Today is my dearest mum 64th birthday. I am kind of mixed feeling.
I was wake up by the wrong set alarm at 6am and can't sleep anymore. I have a lot of thoughts.
Yesterday before went to the bed, i prepared 2 egg with smiling face for mum's birthday. This is our family tradition since grandpa's time. I bought mum a pendant with the word 寿, hope she will have a long life! My damn father called mum to wish her birthday but at the same time complaint about me. I was sick of hearing it. I don't understand why he can't wait to send or married me out. Am I really that annoying?
It's been long2 time i never buy any clothes but today i found 2 pcs that i like. It cost me nearly $150. Me and mum had our lunch at PS crystal jade, because we have later on. I brought mum to EraBelle for 4hrs spa. Their services are very good. They suprised mum with happy birthday cake and sing for mum. They also serve us with Japanese food as dinner. After that, then they called a Merz cab to send us home. I know mum is tired and so am I, but at least i feel good as she is delighted by my arrangement.
I am sad as i do not know if I will be able to spend her next year birthday with her.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
星期一，2009年9月14日，阳，晚间11点
Just check my facebook and one of my secondary school classmate has given birth a baby girl. Feel happy for her become new mummy. But how about myself, sometimes when i think of it i really feel upset. When can i have my own child, hear someone called me mama.
Almost everyday i am upset. Money can not buy everything but w/o money, i can't even survive. Sometimes i can be very pissed off. Mum always want to go out shopping but never thought of my feeling. May be i am really a useless bum. Need to humble to beg for a pie. I hate myself!!!
Almost everyday i am upset. Money can not buy everything but w/o money, i can't even survive. Sometimes i can be very pissed off. Mum always want to go out shopping but never thought of my feeling. May be i am really a useless bum. Need to humble to beg for a pie. I hate myself!!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
星期天，2009年9月13号，晴，晚间
Today, i really feel damn foul mood cos my home that damn tortoise keep scold me, hate me, complaint about me. I am upset, and run to supermarket and bought 2 cans or bet er and packet of cigarrette. This is also the first time i openly "smoke" infront of my mum. Though i have been smoking occassionally for almost 2 yrs. I really going to break down soon. I feel that most of the things happended to me does not go and come smoothly. I am really down in the luck. Firstly, $$$ is something that make me headache. I hope to find a permanent and stable job. But yet, can't find the right one. Anyway, i am also not in the right mood & condition...
Second, I really have no confidence in my relationship. We are very find but i am worried i can't find a job when i move to aussie. I am also worried my life there. I do not want to ask every single cents. I want to be financially independent. Initially i was thinking that tortoise can help me a bit with my finance. But now i am not so optimistic.
Second, I really have no confidence in my relationship. We are very find but i am worried i can't find a job when i move to aussie. I am also worried my life there. I do not want to ask every single cents. I want to be financially independent. Initially i was thinking that tortoise can help me a bit with my finance. But now i am not so optimistic.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
星期四，2009年9月10日.
It's been nearly 9 mth i did not update my blog. Perhaps i was too free and have no idea what to write.
Today is sunny and hot day but my mood was like heavy down pour with lightning.
Early the morning i received letter from a govt dept that my application was rejected again. I was devasted. Sometimes i really hate myself for doing some silly thing because of someone.
Then afterward i saw my damn father sms for scolding me. Yesterday heard that he fell down so my mum ask me to sms showing my "concern". But he replied and told me if i am not going to reveal who tipped me that he has mistress, he will still angry with me. I dun give him a fuck! If you don't do why need to be terrified like criminals. My relationship with my dad are not close and now we behave like enemy. Ironically i am his biological daughter and everyone said my character exactly same as him. That's why i hate myself, esp my look. I have ever thought go to plastic surgeon and request for total makeover. I dun have to look like movie star but as long i dun look like that man, i am satisfied. But no matter how i change, he is still my dad and will never change even we sever the relationship.
Yesterday was 09-09-09. Many couples married on that day because chinese believe in 长长久久. It was also my parent 34 years wedding anniversary. My mum was upset for my asshole father. After few decades as husband and wife, they argue to the stage of divorce. It is not my mum initiated but is tat damn asshole so he can remarry. I swear that, if he dare to do it, i will throw acid to that slut face or i may even KILL that slut.
I don't believe anymore in getting married on which day or anniversary day. It is all pack of lies.
I have seen more and more example that choose a nice day will guarantee you marriage forever. In fact now, i begin to doubt of marriage. I am also tired when i see what happend to my parents.
I really phobia and i find it is very hard for me to convince myself that marriage will bring happiness for me. Recently i only knew that one of my ex-colleague was dump by her cohabitted boyfriend. That guy fall in love with a peru gal. Also one of the FB friend was dump by her BF as well. My younger cousin who is in Aussie, also get divorce less than one year marriage.
I was also get trouble because of my ex-bf that left a tint in my life that never be erase off.
I never believe in marriage anymore as i have seen too many tragedy. I have a very selfish thought, i just want to have kid but i do not want a husband. I know this is very unfair to the child but i really do not have confidence with someone that i have to spend the rest of my life.
Today is sunny and hot day but my mood was like heavy down pour with lightning.
Early the morning i received letter from a govt dept that my application was rejected again. I was devasted. Sometimes i really hate myself for doing some silly thing because of someone.
Then afterward i saw my damn father sms for scolding me. Yesterday heard that he fell down so my mum ask me to sms showing my "concern". But he replied and told me if i am not going to reveal who tipped me that he has mistress, he will still angry with me. I dun give him a fuck! If you don't do why need to be terrified like criminals. My relationship with my dad are not close and now we behave like enemy. Ironically i am his biological daughter and everyone said my character exactly same as him. That's why i hate myself, esp my look. I have ever thought go to plastic surgeon and request for total makeover. I dun have to look like movie star but as long i dun look like that man, i am satisfied. But no matter how i change, he is still my dad and will never change even we sever the relationship.
Yesterday was 09-09-09. Many couples married on that day because chinese believe in 长长久久. It was also my parent 34 years wedding anniversary. My mum was upset for my asshole father. After few decades as husband and wife, they argue to the stage of divorce. It is not my mum initiated but is tat damn asshole so he can remarry. I swear that, if he dare to do it, i will throw acid to that slut face or i may even KILL that slut.
I don't believe anymore in getting married on which day or anniversary day. It is all pack of lies.
I have seen more and more example that choose a nice day will guarantee you marriage forever. In fact now, i begin to doubt of marriage. I am also tired when i see what happend to my parents.
I really phobia and i find it is very hard for me to convince myself that marriage will bring happiness for me. Recently i only knew that one of my ex-colleague was dump by her cohabitted boyfriend. That guy fall in love with a peru gal. Also one of the FB friend was dump by her BF as well. My younger cousin who is in Aussie, also get divorce less than one year marriage.
I was also get trouble because of my ex-bf that left a tint in my life that never be erase off.
I never believe in marriage anymore as i have seen too many tragedy. I have a very selfish thought, i just want to have kid but i do not want a husband. I know this is very unfair to the child but i really do not have confidence with someone that i have to spend the rest of my life.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
星期天，2009年1月25日，晴，中午12点31分 (除夕)
I am still alive, just too lazy & busy to update my blog. Today, is the last day of year of rat. This year is not very suai oso not very lucky year for me. I can say average. But it is a fruitful year for me, but also a year that make me headache with all the politics.
Tonight i am going to have a SUMPTOUS reunion dinner. One pax ard SDG200 but it is ok, just once a year.
I am going to spent my first chinese new year @ my new condo with my dear mum.
Well, I have a few new year resolutions. May the year of OX can bring me:
1. My mum always happy and healthy always.
2. I can get a GOOD job and best is got gain fall.
3. Can slim down to my 40kg figure (though i have been repeat it many times).
4. 早日嫁出.
Tonight i am going to have a SUMPTOUS reunion dinner. One pax ard SDG200 but it is ok, just once a year.
I am going to spent my first chinese new year @ my new condo with my dear mum.
Well, I have a few new year resolutions. May the year of OX can bring me:
1. My mum always happy and healthy always.
2. I can get a GOOD job and best is got gain fall.
3. Can slim down to my 40kg figure (though i have been repeat it many times).
4. 早日嫁出.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
星期四，2008年12月11号，阴，凌晨12点24分
窗外阴天了,音乐低声了, 我的心开始想你了,灯光也暗了,音乐低声了,口中的棉花糖也融化了.
窗外阴天了,人是无聊了,我的心开始想你了,电话响起了,你要说话了, 还以为你心里对我又想念了.怎么你声音变得冷淡了,是你变了, 是你变了, 灯光熄灭了, 音乐静止了,滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了,人是不快乐,我的心真的受伤了.
I find the lyrics of this song is good to describe my feeling now [我真的受伤了]. BUT it is not because i failed in relationship but I FAILED badly in my exam. Suprisingly one of the subject (Accounting Info System) i failed by 3 marks. I nearly black out, because i was confident i know how to do the final exam and one of my assignment i even score 14.5/15. Why? It is hard for me to accept. Another subject i have mentally prepared to fail but never expected to fail till no face to see people. I think i dare not tell people i am an accountant. My heart is very pain now, cos i really did put in effort in revision. A month before my exam, i never step out from my house except lunch/dinner. I am devasted. I know this is a fact, i have to accept it, but i really do not understand that how come just give more 3 marks? Is it that how private school want to make more $? Now i really can't stand my school. School has increase by 7% and no handouts are given. We have to print online. This evening i still have audit class and taxation class for the next 3 days. I will still continue this semester but i enrol and i want to learn it for my own knowledge. But after this sem, i think i will either deferred or quit. Becos i feel what i have put in is not reciprocate. Both my physical, mental & financial are exhausted now.
窗外阴天了,人是无聊了,我的心开始想你了,电话响起了,你要说话了, 还以为你心里对我又想念了.怎么你声音变得冷淡了,是你变了, 是你变了, 灯光熄灭了, 音乐静止了,滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了,人是不快乐,我的心真的受伤了.
I find the lyrics of this song is good to describe my feeling now [我真的受伤了]. BUT it is not because i failed in relationship but I FAILED badly in my exam. Suprisingly one of the subject (Accounting Info System) i failed by 3 marks. I nearly black out, because i was confident i know how to do the final exam and one of my assignment i even score 14.5/15. Why? It is hard for me to accept. Another subject i have mentally prepared to fail but never expected to fail till no face to see people. I think i dare not tell people i am an accountant. My heart is very pain now, cos i really did put in effort in revision. A month before my exam, i never step out from my house except lunch/dinner. I am devasted. I know this is a fact, i have to accept it, but i really do not understand that how come just give more 3 marks? Is it that how private school want to make more $? Now i really can't stand my school. School has increase by 7% and no handouts are given. We have to print online. This evening i still have audit class and taxation class for the next 3 days. I will still continue this semester but i enrol and i want to learn it for my own knowledge. But after this sem, i think i will either deferred or quit. Becos i feel what i have put in is not reciprocate. Both my physical, mental & financial are exhausted now.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
星期六，2008年2月6号，阴，凌晨2点10分
我和烦呀！
I am really feel vexed and lost. my exam result is going to release 10 Dec. I just hope a pass. Yesterday night attended taxation class, it seems like another killer for me. The tax book come in a package of 3 books. But only one which kind of like photocopy materials that book is compulsory. The other 2 books are as thick as dictionary may be 2 0r 3000 over pages. By the time finish reading will next decade. So the function are just for display. But my school sell as a set so bo pian must buy a set that cost $300 over. I die2 dun want to buy. Actually want to get from a girl (N) that has this book but she said she forgot she promise me and sold to another guy. I think she did it on purpose cos i know she dun like me and like to gossip whisper behind me. I cant be bother anyway. Since it is only one book is require, so i borrow from the guy who buy (N) books. He is also very scared like i never return him. He keep hesitating, but thick skin so insist to borrow from him. Guess what. Class end at friday night 10.15 and by the time i reach home almost 11pm. This guy said cant borrow during weekend as he want to study already, so die2 must return him by tomorrow. I really can't stand. Typical Singaporean man, dun want rugi. But i know if i bring to shop and copy, will take at least 1-2days. So i really buey tahan. Once i reached home (haven't shower & eat), immediately i used my printer to print page by page. It took me till nearly 2am, but i am peace and satisfied. Then i sms this guy that i can return his book ANYTIME.
I am already very vexed with my family problem and still got irritated. I suppose to meet my friend tomorow for birthday celebration but i have no mood and need to settle my family problem first. I might even cancel my Melbourne trip. I am very lost....
I am really feel vexed and lost. my exam result is going to release 10 Dec. I just hope a pass. Yesterday night attended taxation class, it seems like another killer for me. The tax book come in a package of 3 books. But only one which kind of like photocopy materials that book is compulsory. The other 2 books are as thick as dictionary may be 2 0r 3000 over pages. By the time finish reading will next decade. So the function are just for display. But my school sell as a set so bo pian must buy a set that cost $300 over. I die2 dun want to buy. Actually want to get from a girl (N) that has this book but she said she forgot she promise me and sold to another guy. I think she did it on purpose cos i know she dun like me and like to gossip whisper behind me. I cant be bother anyway. Since it is only one book is require, so i borrow from the guy who buy (N) books. He is also very scared like i never return him. He keep hesitating, but thick skin so insist to borrow from him. Guess what. Class end at friday night 10.15 and by the time i reach home almost 11pm. This guy said cant borrow during weekend as he want to study already, so die2 must return him by tomorrow. I really can't stand. Typical Singaporean man, dun want rugi. But i know if i bring to shop and copy, will take at least 1-2days. So i really buey tahan. Once i reached home (haven't shower & eat), immediately i used my printer to print page by page. It took me till nearly 2am, but i am peace and satisfied. Then i sms this guy that i can return his book ANYTIME.
I am already very vexed with my family problem and still got irritated. I suppose to meet my friend tomorow for birthday celebration but i have no mood and need to settle my family problem first. I might even cancel my Melbourne trip. I am very lost....
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