星期四，2009年9月10日.

It's been nearly 9 mth i did not update my blog. Perhaps i was too free and have no idea what to write.
Today is sunny and hot day but my mood was like heavy down pour with lightning.
Early the morning i received letter from a govt dept that my application was rejected again. I was devasted. Sometimes i really hate myself for doing some silly thing because of someone.
Then afterward i saw my damn father sms for scolding me. Yesterday heard that he fell down so my mum ask me to sms showing my "concern". But he replied and told me if i am not going to reveal who tipped me that he has mistress, he will still angry with me. I dun give him a fuck! If you don't do why need to be terrified like criminals. My relationship with my dad are not close and now we behave like enemy. Ironically i am his biological daughter and everyone said my character exactly same as him. That's why i hate myself, esp my look. I have ever thought go to plastic surgeon and request for total makeover. I dun have to look like movie star but as long i dun look like that man, i am satisfied. But no matter how i change, he is still my dad and will never change even we sever the relationship.
Yesterday was 09-09-09. Many couples married on that day because chinese believe in 长长久久. It was also my parent 34 years wedding anniversary. My mum was upset for my asshole father. After few decades as husband and wife, they argue to the stage of divorce. It is not my mum initiated but is tat damn asshole so he can remarry. I swear that, if he dare to do it, i will throw acid to that slut face or i may even KILL that slut.
I don't believe anymore in getting married on which day or anniversary day. It is all pack of lies.
I have seen more and more example that choose a nice day will guarantee you marriage forever. In fact now, i begin to doubt of marriage. I am also tired when i see what happend to my parents.
I really phobia and i find it is very hard for me to convince myself that marriage will bring happiness for me. Recently i only knew that one of my ex-colleague was dump by her cohabitted boyfriend. That guy fall in love with a peru gal. Also one of the FB friend was dump by her BF as well. My younger cousin who is in Aussie, also get divorce less than one year marriage.
I was also get trouble because of my ex-bf that left a tint in my life that never be erase off.
I never believe in marriage anymore as i have seen too many tragedy. I have a very selfish thought, i just want to have kid but i do not want a husband. I know this is very unfair to the child but i really do not have confidence with someone that i have to spend the rest of my life.