星期天，2008年4月5日，晴，晚上10.34分

It is been such a long time i did not update my blog. too lazy or too busy? BOTH.
sigh, i am really very mentally tired and monetary exhausted also. i do not know if all the things i am doing is correct. somebody told me i am stupid and not worth but i really dunno. i am also aware i am wrong, totally wrong, like use an egg to knock to rock. but why am i still doing it?
the more i control myself the miserable i am. i enjoy the time spend with him? may be i feel 'secure', going out with him. no need to worry wat time is the last bus, can not find taxi, no need to bring my wallet along with me. my ex-fiance told me i am materialistic, i think i agree with him. but why i still do thing that is 0 result? i have lost my intelligence when come to relationship. I can't help not to believe in fate now. I have did what i can. Now besides waiting and waiting, nothing can be done.

I went to visit my elder aunt in Cirebon (it is a town in West Java, Indonesia). I spent around 10 days with my elder aunt. She dotes me a lot. I also visit my youngest uncle in Jakarta.

The one wearing red is my mum and the one on my right side is my elder aunt. It's been nearly 4 yrs we did not see each other.

Sometimes when i see why all bad things fall into me, but i see people around me, i consider fortunate. I tried to help my auntie and cousin little bit financially cos i am also pretty desperate in my $ now. Sometimes when i see people sorrounding me all settle down, i really envy but at the same time if are they happy, if it is me, will i be happy as well? Sometimes when i see why all bad things fall into me, but i see people around me, i consider fortunate. I tried to help my auntie and cousin little bit financially cos i am also pretty desperate in my $ now. Sometimes when i see people sorrounding me all settle down, i really envy but at the same time if are they happy, if it is me, will i be happy as well?

But i did enjoy my days staying with my aunt and cousins also my niece and nephew. Though quite tiring and the environment not so hygine but it is a good feeling. I even went for horse riding.

This year 3 of my friends are inviting me to their wedding. One of my polytechnic good friend, Shumei is getting married next month but i am unable to attend because i will be in Toronto.

I really hope i can let go and start all over again in when i came back from Vancouver. I go for vacation and need some peaceful.

In another 2 month, i am turning 31. What have i achieve? NONE.